Featured image: Édouard Cabane | Tête Blonde (1911) | MutualArt

Dearest Gentle Reader,

Welcome back to Pop Star Philosophy, where we examine today’s pop stars and pop culture issues with a philosophical and literary lens:

It’s the release week of Sabrina Carpenter’s new album, “Man’s Best Friend”! Doth thou recall when she performed for Outside Lands and made thus an outro for “Nonense”?

“Soon cometh my album, so exciting
My heart doth pound beneath my breasts, so mighty
Outside Lands, it’s like thou art inside me.”

Today, we will have the Bard himself review some of Sabrina Carpenter’s lyrics. As a fan of debauchery and good fun, we do think that Shakespeare would have loved Sabrina’s biting wit and skill with a quill. Without further ado, let us dive in!

1. “Come ride on me, I mean camaraderie.” (bed chem)

Such wit! Such wordplay!

I would have put this line in one of my own plays, hath I the genius to tie together the word “camaraderie” and the exciting innuendo of a “ride” together.

Ms. Carpenter shows excellent verbiage in this gleeful ditty known as “bed chem.” I look forward to reading more of her lyrics. Perhaps my next play shall feature a horse-riding heroine who is rather fond of cowboys. Now that would make for an entertaining play!

2. “Where art thou, why not upon-eth me?” (bed chem)

Ah! She steals from mine own verse, yet makes it saucier, cheekier, and far more direct than my poor Juliet ever dared.

Were I alive today, I would have written this for a quick-tongued maid in Verona who preferred not to pine at balconies, but to invite her Romeo straight into her own bed.

3. “I’m a homewrecker, I’m a slut. I’ve got death threats fillin’ up semi-trucks” (because i liked a boy)

Such boldness in claiming words meant to wound.

A heroine who seizes her own reputation, twisting venom into power, recalls the tragic yet commanding spirits of Lady Macbeth or Cleopatra. To embrace insult and turn it to anthem—that, dear readers, is true theatrical brilliance.

4. “Don’t think you understand, just ’cause you talk like one doesn’t make you a man.” (Dumb & Poetic)

A cut so clean, poor Petruchio would bleed out on the floor before he could bark back. In truth, many of my men strutted and postured, speaking bravely, yet Sabrina reminds us: words alone do not maketh a man.

A line Beatrice herself would have gladly hurled at Benedick. (At which point, he would have no tongue left to wag.)

5. “Last week, you didn’t have any doubts / This week, you’re holding space for her tongue in your mouth…” (Coincidence)”

O fickle love! The speed at which loyalty turns is enough to make even Othello throw up his hands and declare himself outdone. Here Ms. Carpenter crafts tragedy in two lines, with a bite sharper than any serpent’s tooth.

6. “Oh, I make quite an impression, five feet to be exact.” (Taste)

Delightful brevity! Small in stature, vast in wit. Had Puck been five feet tall, I believe he would have uttered this very jest, prancing about Oberon’s court and cackling at his own cleverness. A jest most fairy-like indeed.

7. “A boy who’s nice that breathes / I swear he’s nowhere to be seen.” (Slim Pickins)

How merrily she skewers the suitors! Lambasts them with her words!

Were this sung in my time, half the men of London would storm out of the Globe in protest, only to creep back in for the second act. For truly, nice boys that breathe are rarer than unicorns.

8. “Don’t smile because it happened, baby, cry because it’s over.” (Don’t Smile)

An inversion so mournful, it could have fallen from Lear’s lips himself. Carpenter takes joy by the throat and strangles it into sorrow, and yet somehow leaves us smiling at the beauty of her craft. A tragedy wrapped in song.

9. “One of me is cute, but two though? Give it to me, baby.” (Juno)

A saucy turn! ‘Tis truly a jest of the flesh.

Methinks this line would make even bawdy Mercutio blush, though he would be quick to repeat it at the tavern until all of Naples was laughing.

10. “I get wet at the thought of you, being a responsible guy, treating me like you’re supposed to do, tears run down my thighs.” (tears)

O Heavens!

Would that I had writ such a jest — tears upon the thighs, a mingling of duty and desire, of wet eyes and wetter nether realms. This verse is both comedy and carnality, I daresay.

11. “Congratulations on your new improvements, I bet your light rod’s, like, bigger than Zeus’s.” (when did you get hot?)

Hark! She mocks with Olympian measure! To compare a mortal man’s “rod” with that of Zeus himself!

Such hyperbole doth set the heavens shaking with mirth.

12. “Oh I like my boys playin’ hard to get, and I like my man all incompetent.” (manchild)

Lo, what contradiction!

She desires her lover noble in years, yet childlike in deed. This line I would fain put in the mouth of Rosalind, for it speaks both of mockery and of longing. Methinks Mistress Carpenter here doth prick the vanity of men with gentle laughter.

Thank you for reading! Check out the rest of “Pop Star Philosophy” here.